As I wrote last week, my grandmother died on September 8. The last time someone close to me died, I was a teenager. And I forgot how strange grief can be. I have a "day job" working retail. I worked a long day Saturday. The store was busy. We were having a big sale. Lots of people, lots of money being spent, lots of tempers frayed. I thought I had been doing okay. When I left work on Saturday night, I quite unexpectedly burst into tears as soon as I walked out the door. I had to go sit on a bench in the town center and compose myself. I didn't know why I was crying. The customers had been difficult but no more so than they usually are. I sat there and tried to examine why I was feeling the way I was. I was suddenly angry. I was angry at these customers, wasting a beautiful Saturday inside, buying clothing, complaining, badgering the staff. My grandmother loved to garden. This week has been full of days that she would have been happily gardening. She didn't waste her life shopping. She was a lovely person. And now she was dead. And I guess I was crying because it just seemed so unfair.
After I composed myself enough to drive myself home, I put my sunglasses on (to hide my red, weepy eyes.) As I walked to my car, I passed by groups of people. Young, old, children. And I really looked at them. I tried to meet their eyes, search for the humanity. No one engaged with me. No one engaged with each other. Even the kids had smartphones that they were glued to. No one smiled.
And I realized that my grandmother wasn't like those people. She loved and appreciated life and people and dogs and flowers. And I made a promise to myself, that I didn't want to be one of those people.
We talk a lot about having a "game face" in retail. Smiling big, not letting the customers see you sweat, not getting angry even when people are making insane requests. Keep smiling. The customer is always right. As I help people in my job, I would say 90% of the people can't even look me in the eye. When did we stop engaging with each other? Week 37's play is about those people and is called This American Life.
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